Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
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I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
lol
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything