Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
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My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5