Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
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[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
figuring out my emotional availability:
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Seems kinda suspicious
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later