@badteacher4u: Strangely enough, yelling "I have a masters degree!" at this electric wine opener is not helping me figure out how to make it work. Weird.
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@TheTalkingPipe: Make a friend today. Give a complete stranger a big, long hug. If they happen to get mad, tell the police a guy on twitter said you could.
@BillDixonish: Halloween is the only day of the year you can ask someone "what are you supposed to be?" without triggering an existential crisis.
@the_paramedicK: Mom: why are your eyes dilated Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love Mom: what were you looking at Me: memes
@dafloydsta: [date] HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie. ME: Oh me too. HER: Which part do you like best? ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.