There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
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My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
My circle of trust is a meatball
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Mood.. 😂
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.