Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
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What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*