Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
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No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
March 16
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
How long do you have to wait between naps?
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop