Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
You Might Also Like
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
yall want some gasoline milk
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4