I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
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Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Are we there yet?…
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what