Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
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Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
love it when they get my name right