Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
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Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Beware of the dog..
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too