Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
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Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
They also CAN sing✌️
#MeanwhileInCanada
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
are there any atheist mantises?
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny