Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
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You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny