Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
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I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]