Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
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What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Not all heroes wear capes.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing