Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
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[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices