Strangers have the best candy.
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Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.