[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
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Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Name this drama.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
scenes of unspeakable carnage
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]