Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
You Might Also Like
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
lost dog
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?