Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
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Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.