[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
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*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
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ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost