Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
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Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
<—- homeless romantic
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”