Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
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Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”