“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
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Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Hot hot hot 🥵
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
❤️❤️❤️
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.