*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
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My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Somebody call the cops.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.