*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
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If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
cry laughing at this shit
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.