You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
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my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
kitchen magnet
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers