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@WICKEDTRUTH01: Strip search? Fine but I'm going to need some music.
@BlindVigil: Q: "How long were you at your last job?"
A: "Seven-and-a-half inches... same as now"
@SortaBad: "You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs" - jerk chicken
@brakco: I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
@XplodingUnicorn: I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn't interested because it didn't scream out in pain.
@TheTimmyToes: I just want to be rich enough to say "that won't be necessary" when the police go to handcuff me