Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
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The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Why am I like this?
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”