this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
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It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.