[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
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To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat