[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
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Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Spring cleaning checklist…
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Favourite diary entry ever
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.