Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
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Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
You’ll be OK
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value