Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
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“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Meanwhile in Portland…
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor đź‘Ž.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.