*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
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Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
#Caturday
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.