Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
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Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
I like crazy people until they notice me
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Ugh but profoundly
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth