Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
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*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol