Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
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juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Banking tips
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
“A little help here, Danny?”
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
grotesque if literal: baby food
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM