Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
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me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.