*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
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Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
The happy life.. 😊
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.