*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
You Might Also Like
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Golf would be better with landmines.
This has made my week.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.