*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
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I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?