[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
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I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Chicken bread
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.