Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
You Might Also Like
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Holy crap this is wonderful
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*