Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
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It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Huge, if true.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.