Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
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If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Day 2 of my diet
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence