Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
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me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.