[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
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*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Phones down.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*