*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
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*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
🤣dope
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”