*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
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I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Bed should get ready for ME
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
I ate everything, including the H.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
omg leave her alone
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*